it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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