Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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