i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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