I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
