Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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