I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
