We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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