Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
