Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
third nipple confirmed
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
