You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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