I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize