Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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