I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
