Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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