You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
