you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
