I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
