Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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