Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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