My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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