I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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