I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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