I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
