I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
