So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
