it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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