you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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