I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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