I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
