I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
