these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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