Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
