GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
