i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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