I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
