and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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