im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
