I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
