Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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