u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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