Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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