Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
