YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
