between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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