My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I CAN MOONWALK!
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
