I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
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