I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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