Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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