Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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