Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
