They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
