he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
