Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
