I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
