in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
