Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
