Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
