imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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