Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
